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i a m n o w h e r e

1.09.2012

Well.... For my 40 days of SOAP I have given up TV.

For those of you who don't know, SOAP is this thing we started January 1st at my church. It stands for Scripture .Observation. Application. Prayer.

Now in my opinion it doesn't help to just give up something mainly because I can very easily fill that void with something else that does not benefit myself spiritually. So I am also going to try to use this 40 days to blog more on daily reflection. I have tried to do it in a journal, and I stink at keeping up with it, what can I say I love my laptop! Plus I spent all this time making my blog pretty!

Tell me did you make New Years Resolutions and if so... how is it going?!

3.28.2011

whats in a reflection

I have been reading Water for Elephants with much pressure from friends and family. I usually love historical fiction but this is one is not captivating me as well as i would like. I feel like it should already I am half-way through the book.

The whole premise of the book is the elderly man looking back on his life with the circus. So far I have just found it really depressing.

It makes you really feel what these people feel like as elderly. There is this one part of the book where he is just so upset to even look in the mirror because it doesn't even look like himself anymore. His face is covered with liver spots, his nose and ears have largely outgrown his face, even his hands look like strangers.

That was all I could think about yesterday during Tim's sermon when he began to talk about James 1: 22-25 "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. "

How often do we just not even look at our spirituality and when are finally faced with that reflection we turn away so that it won't seem so real. We really haven't become that person looking back at us. Those words didn't just come out of my mouth.

3.27.2011

the guardian and feelings of terribleness

i am fairly certain that all hesitations and lack of motivation is directly linked to my lacking self-esteem when it comes to using my gifts.

no matter how much praise i get for anything.... regardless.... i still think in the back of my mind it is crap.

maybe that is why i feel like i have to be private so that I wont feel like something is terrible, because no one would know anyway.

i really hate this about myself. just when I think i have gotten over it. It rears its ugly head straight into my backside.

and i don't really know where it stems from! I have always gotten support from parents and teachers.

it has begun to effect life changing situations, and i just sit and watch it in slow-motion because I can not make it stop!

i just want to guard these things that I love because I have this fear of them being rejected.

it is really disgusting....

i wish i didn't care so much

more tomorrow, hopefully on another subject

3.22.2011

Feeling Small and Secrets

So. The thing I love most about going to church is how small it makes me feel. I get so consumed in my everyday life. The monotony of each of my days feels like chinese water tourture in slow-motion. When I am with people who share my beliefs it helps me feel reconnected with a part of myself that gets lost day to day.

I have accepted that this is how I am. Doing the same thing repeatedly makes my skin crawl, the thing I try to be better at is not letting it interfere with my marriage. Theron already knows when I start getting uneasy because it is when I start planning bigger projects for our house. Last year I even bought an Atlas of the U.S. to plan a pretend dream vacation, I guess I was taking it in my head... who knows.

That is why I have decided I am going to start doing something secret just for myself. I am not talking about something strange, unhealthy, or sinful. Just something that feels like it is all mine. I don't even want to be able to talk about it with others because I want it to be unassociable from everything else in anyone's daily lives, even though it is something very common. I already have it in mind, and have begun on it. I am hoping this will fill that void that I have a hard time describing. It isn't even something I am neccesarily good at, just something I want to do.

Do you ever feel pressure to do hobbies just because you are good at them? Not even because you like to do them? I hate that more than doing things that hate. I fear that it is the same problem.

I love taking personality tests. Usually because they reiterate my feelings that I am an unusual person. We took personality tests in a Wednesday Night Bible Class and I found my results rather unhelpful. Now the main reason we took these is to help you find what your natural talents are and then you will know how to serve in the church better. It was one test but gave you two different answer sheets. One was a Personality Profile, the other was Your Spiritual Gift.

First of all when I took the Personality Profile it told me I had "personality masking" meaning I had to really high scores in two areas where it isn't normal to have both. They were called "Choleric-Powerful"(scored 13) and "Phlegmatic-Peaceful" (scored 11). It said that if you had these unnatural combinations you either didn't understand the questions(nope took the test twice) OR had personality masking; which could be the result of one or more of the following:
-a domineering parent
-an alcoholic parent
-strong rejection feelings
-any form of emotional or physical abuse
-Single parent home
- birth order
-legalistic religious home
-a domineering and controlling spouse
-adult abuse or rejection
OR IM JUST CRAZY.... like seriously.... this made me feel like a freak!

Then, I got the results of what my spiritual gift is, keep in mind this is a sheet with 10 gifts and you pick which ones you scored the highest on. Mine were as follows:
-Helping: 11
-Encouraging:13
-Giving: 13
-Teaching:9
-Pastoring:11
-Mercy:7
-Hospitality:9
-Leading:4
-Evangelism:13
-Faith:15

Ha this made me laugh.
So my highest score was Faith then under that was encouraging and evangelism. That still feels really vague to me! Honestly thats what frustrates me about being a woman in the church. It feels like if I am not teaching young children, then I should be cooking all day and bringing it to people. And it isn't that my spiritual life feels unfulfilled all the time it's just I want to use God's gifts to their full potential.

I guess I am happy as long as I don't have to do the same thing over and over again

12.31.2010

....and a happy new year!

I can not believe it is 2011. It is hard to believe that I made my life altering deciscion of becoming a cake decorator last February! This is the first time in probably 7 years that I have not been in Georgia during New Years Eve. Usually I am sitting in Brittany's basement watching some amazing 80's flick or at the Chick-fil-A bowl game where her dad gets amazing tickets. This year however Me and Theron are sitting in our house watching the bowl game while I occasionally do laundry. I know big night... I was asleep from 4 to about 6. I know I am such an old lady.

Anyways, I am going to take this time to make my New Year's Resolution list. I feel pretty good about going into this New Year. I already have a jumpstart on my weight loss, I have knocked off a couple of items off last years list. This year I am making a list to have things become more habitual where I wont have to keep thinking about doing them.

here is goes...

-loose the last 10-15 lbs to bring me to my goal weight :oD!!! that will be 35-40 lbs all together!
- Read one book every month
- read my bible during my break at work (I already do this sometimes but I need to be better about it)
- Keep prayer request list updated
-find a class on Sunday and wednesday nights :oS
- finish one painting every 3 months (that seems like a long time but  I get side-tracked a lot & i am trying to be realistic)
- fold laundry as soon as it gets out of the dryer
-do dishes before bed every night
-Invite at least one couple over for dinner and games.... this sounds silly but I feel like I need to learn to be a better hostess
-household items i want crossed off list by next year.... if financially possible
     -paint sun porch/ turn into dining room
     - island for kitchen
    - stain trim and doors
    -  ***laminate wood flooring through house*** goal time (fall of 2011)


wish me luck!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

12.30.2010

Updates

Well hey guys!

It has been over a month since my last post! However I don't think I will do a ton of catching you guys up on things.... I can't remember everything, it's boring and you will probably skim past most.

Ill hit a couple of main points

- Etsy is awesome for gifts. They are more personal and you can just ship them long distance

- I finished Cheryl's painting by December 21st. I don't even know if I had talked about her comminsioning me to do a painting. She wanted it of Little Rock Central High School. It is not a pretty building but it has a lot of sentimental value. Here is how it turned out.
She loved it which is what matters most.

- I have FINALLY crossed off multiple to-dos on my list of house updates that I have had since we moved in two years ago.
            TO-DO
- New Faucets in Bathrooms
-New Kitchen Sink Faucet
- Paint back bathroom & laundry
- print off and frame photos/ artwork
-decorate above kitchen cabinets
-Herb box in kitchen

It felt SO good to get these crossed off. Because I am very realistic about my house. We don't have a lot of money to spend, nor do I have a lot of time to spend working on things. Yes I would love for my house to look like those interior decorating blogs I love so much. I do feel like I set my internal clock 2 years ago for these few things. I didn't want all updates to be done but I did want a face-lift for each of the rooms. Here is everything I have done over the last month.


-Living Room: I finally got rid of my ceiling tiles that I used to put up all my favorite prints. It was a good quick cheap fix for awhile, but I am glad its gone. I got all those frames from Goodwill, Half of them I had to paint black and add borders but it is still WAY cheaper than buying brand new frames!oh and I got that large frame with the print of bridge from good will for 8$! Look my sculpture is finally hanging in my house!


Sorry  I couldnt get a good picture of my wall collage, the glare was in the way.
 Kitchen: I finally got decorations for above my cabinets when everything was 50% off at hobby lobby, its just twisty things and berry stems with some twinkle lights. Plus our faucet broke so we had to get a new one : oD a nice suprise. thats my herb planter on the window seal... Ive always wanted them.
 Our bedroom: we used to have NOTHING on the walls. I like this because it is simple and clean lines. I found that mantle at the goodwill in Georgia I think it was 5$ its solid wood and has grooves to hold frames.
I had most of these pictures i framed I just had to wait till I had the time and money to frame them. I love the rock candles from TJ Maxx
 Back Bathroom: Got new paint and patches sealed from when Tosca was a pup. I had to stick my Bob Dylan poster somewhere... :o)
 we got new knobs for the vanity I got that mirror at Fayetteville Trading Post for 8$ oringinally 50$ from Hobby Lobby. Those faucets are the same in both bathrooms. I got them at Habitat for Humanity for 40$ each. Which is awesome for a nice Faucet

just new framed art and soap in the front bathroom!

I still have lots to do though.

11.04.2010

Trying

I have been trying to be better at being an encourager. It is something I lost through college, maybe because I felt like I had to take care of myself so I couldn't rely on anyone else.

Just small steps... Commenting on people's blogs more often.... even strangers....

Offering help when I feel like someone is to their breaking point.... just trying to read people better and how I can serve them.

Sometimes I know it can get discouraging when others don't come through for you when you need it most. But I am going to try not to dwell on that.... I think thats why I gave up on the notion before.

I don't want to think like that anymore.
Thats all I really want to talk about right now... I have things on my mind but I am not ready to write about them yet.